The Chronicles of a Pyromantic
by Elie-chan
Summary: Ever wonder what Axel is up to?


Elie: HIHIHI!  
Menji: This is a random story about all the problems Axel faced as a nobody.  
Elie: Filled with random delight! AND PUDDING! 

Part 1: ……..A title is very unnecessary for this story..

Pinned down to the ground, the blonde haired teen looked up at his 'former best-friend'. The red-haired dude gave the blonde dude a serious gaze and held the chakrams to the blonde dude's neck. Axel, (our red head hero), decided to ask the boy one last question that had been unanswered since Roxas, (the poor almost dead boy) had left the team.

" Roxas, answer me one last question…." Axel said in a deep voice. Roxas looked at Axel as if he just had dropped a squirrel into his pants.

" What. Dude, you are acting totally uncool…" Axel smirked at the comment.

" Jell-O or Pudding?" Axel smiled. Roxas was all like: OO.

" ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Axel screamed. Roxas kept starring.

" Fine, be that way you punk….DIE DIE DIE MY DARLING!" Axel stabbed his strange weapon into Roxas's arm. Roxas looked like this now:

" OUCH! THAT ITCHES!" Roxas shouted and began to scratch himself like a barbaric animal. Axel stood in shock and witnessed this strange event. The blades weren't meant to itch!

Before our rude, red-head knew it, Roxas began knawing on his arm. Little growls and barks came from the blonde, and scared poor Axel. The red-head approached Roxas and tried to knock some sense into him.

"Roxas…are you--"

"ARF! GRRRR…..AFR, AFR, ARF!"

Axel almost pissed his pants after hearing that growl. By now, Roxas was foaming at the mouth. Xigbar, A.K.A , Braig (geeee, that's WAY better than Xig-BAR right everyone?"), magically appeared through his magical portal of hidden dooms. Xigbar looked around at the strange mess. Roxas had become a dog, Axel had peed his pants, what more could you wish to see?

" Jesus Mary and Holy Saint Joseph, Houston we have a problem!"

" Why don't you try to show a little more passion...? You know, like me!" Axel said, coping a famous phrase from his teen-idol, Zell. Xigbar looked at the two fools.

"Pu-lease! Blow it out your rear!" the 50 year old scrooge was beginning to sound like a 12 year old twerp. Great, another idiot in the house. Out of nowhere, Roxas, our cute puppy, jumped on top of Xigbar.

"Here we go...Psyche yourself up, baby!" Roxas said loudly….wait, does he know what he is doing! Axel's eyes widened.

" This just aint right!" Axel put his hand to his forehead and with his empty hand, opened a portal to Destiny Islands where he would now try to seduce Kairi to fume Sora.

IN THE DESTINY ISLANDS! YAY!

Black pooled at a horizontal angle, as our mortified red-head came out. More putrid images of what might be happening to the 'flower' (and we all know Xigbar ain't the prettiest flower in the bush, mind you…) evolved in Axel's head. He strode on what he thought was land, but only found his foot stuck in--yup! You guessed it! Mystery Goo!

"AWWW, GOD! WHAT THE HELL! " he yelled, trying to kick off the mystery 'goo', and only succeeded in landing on a shitload of it. 'And this stuff is used for synthesis? Good lord'  
Axel took off his robe, gloves and boots and washed them. This wasn't going as he planned. He tried to ask a question, and Roxas turned into a dog! All he wanted to know is what is the true choice--Jell-O or Pudding?  
That's it! But now, here he is, washing the goo off his beloved robe. It was brand new too.

"Stupid truffles…to hell with them!" Axel growled.

Somewhere random

Two mushroom impersonators sat on a tree, and stared at the red-head the swore curses worse than Satan. Each of them giggled with pride and insanity, knowing that their plan worked.

"HA! TAKE THAT! WHO'S BETTER NOW? HUH? HUH?" yelled 'Bob'. Poor, unknowing mushroom impersonators…they must really feel bad about themselves if they want to be better than Axel…that's sad…

Then again--sweet is the taste of revenge…muahahahaha

Our red-balloon headed heartless looked at 'bob' who was the seeming leader of this plan. Bob sure looked calm…

" The hell you so calm about? You bustin' up my rhythm... ", bob said in a gangsta voice.

Back with Axel!

Fortunately, the red-head clothes dried up in a few hours or, thanks to the fire ability he had, and began his scheme. He looked and made sure that no mystery 'goo' was left. And god help him if he saw any--he would set it on fire. Axel's emerald eyes attached themselves on a, familiar person that walked on the beach. He made a dash to hide behind a walrus, and kept an eye on his victim of the day--Kairi.

As she began to pass by him, Axel got a rock and threw it at the girl. Big mistake--she got hit in the head. Nice going there, Sherlock.

"Uhh--oops…sorry?" came the apology from Axel. Nothing was there to hear it. Except for the walrus…which went back to the ocean. Another plan bit the dust, and Axel went on his way to Olympus Coliseum.

At the wonderful world of uselessness

After coming through the famous portal, Axel heard the sounds of two people blasting each others organs out in the battle arena. Our poor hero decided to cause some unnecessary havoc.

" I HATE YOU! YOU BIG-BANGED BIMBO!" the blonde, out of character, man screamed to the chunky silver weirdo.

" Now what do we have here?" Axel started, " A chicken-wuss and a man who just reached puberty?"

Suddenly, the ugliest piece of filth appeared behind Axel. It appeared to be some sort of living, talking goat.

" Get outta here!" Phil said. Alex looked at the 'thing' and wondered how the lord would ever have the idea to create such a mascot. All three guys, who were appalled by the freaky goat-man, felt 3 fast draft circling them. These 'drafts' were actually silver-haired guys. They all looked somewhat similar like Sephiroth. Cloud groaned in anger, how many 'Sephiroths' were there! It made no sense!

"All right---you three--who the hell are you?" the blonde demanded. The trio looked at Cloud, and introduced themselves as Sephiroth's …clones.

"Bob's the name!" the first one, who had shoulder length hair, announced.

"Pedro, reporting for duty!" the second, which had shorter hair, and a longer nose…(eww…must be allergies.) yelled.

"AND MY NAME IS DICK!" the third, which had spiky combed back hair, smiled proudly. Cloud, Axel, and Sephiroth all looked at the third guy. What kind of mother would name a her son…'Dick'? Seriously--people these days… Snickers and loud blasts of laughter were given off by the three guys. But---the fun wouldn't stop there.  
Sephiroth looked at the three impersonations…why hadn't they accepted the names he had given to them?

(Their true names---uh--identities…are Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz. Still pretty bad names…Sephiroth needs to buy a name book…)

"Dick? DICK? HAHAHAHA! MAN, YOUR MOM MUST HAVE BEEN TRIPPIN WHILE SHE GAVE THAT NAME!" Axel laughed, and fell on the ground, on top of Phil---kinda knocking him out and possibly breaking a few ribs… The one-winged man, stared at Axel. Sure, the new names were randomly weird and raw, but he didn't have to fall on Phil. Oh well…whatever. Just as the comedy hour ended, an earthquake was felt. Another random moment of this Coliseum. An ominous shadow and familiar hothead popped out of nowhere and stood.

"BAD DOG, CERBERUS! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT MY THRONE IS NOT FOR BUSINESS TIME!" Hades yelled. The tree-headed canine whimpered, and glowered. The dead overlord looked down and saw Cloud. A satanic grin donned his face as he knew what to do to get back at Cloud for no reason.

"Cerberus---SIC HIM!" Hades pointed out at Cloud.

Cerberus, who was sadly stupid and colorblind---mistook Axel for Cloud. So…he did what he was told and literally crushed the pryomatic man.

On the Destiny Islands……

Kairi woke up, and looked up at the walrus. Somehow, the fat guy helped her…but still she was grateful. As she stood, she felt the tremendously fierce rumble of the ground. She still held her ground---but failed to notice that a coconut came loose off a palm tree.

And our little brown, fuzzy sphere successfully made contact with the girl's head! Score! 10 points!

Sighing, the walrus headed back to the ocean, not even bothering to look for where he was going. Yep, he slid himself across the unconscious girl. Now--the score was even….10 more points!

-Back to the Coliseum….

After the pulverization Axel unnecessarily received, he decided it was best to go somewhere else…but first…

"CERBERUS! SIC CLOUD!" He simultaneously yelled, and walked off. He felt the Earth-rumbling of the dog's paws, and managed to watch Cerberus squish Cloud.

A familiar brunette came out, and looked at the dog's paw.

"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED CLOUD! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Aeris yelled, and took out a long pole and smashed it on the dog's nose. Cerberus whined and shivered at the now flaming brunette.

"BAD DOG!"

And with that, Axel continued out of the scene, and laughed his ass off. 'Bout time he got a point!

Cloud clout---100!

TO BE CONTINUED?


End file.
